The first book I wrote – published by a real publisher, not a vanity project – was about how to give up smoking. The method I outlined was simple, and it came to me during a year of studying psychology at university.

Smoking is a revolting habit. It gives you bad breath, makes your clothes stink, leaves a foul taste in your mouth, makes you cough when you start, and can ultimately kill you. Yet marketers have always paired it with something appealing. When cigarette advertising was still allowed, it featured attractive people, glamorous lifestyles, rugged cowboys, skiers – images of freedom and desirability. “After Action Satisfaction,” and all that.

Smokers themselves continue the illusion, linking cigarettes to pleasurable moments: after sex, during a break, with coffee or a drink.

My approach was a watered-down version of aversion therapy. Instead of reinforcing those pleasant associations, I deliberately replaced them with unpleasant ones. If I stepped in dog mess, I would think about having a cigarette. If I saw something truly revolting, I would pause and imagine lighting up.

I became surprisingly creative with this – and, more importantly, it gave me something to do when the urge to smoke hit. I wasn’t relying on willpower alone (which I didn’t have much of). Instead of simply resisting, I actively redirected my thinking. Every craving triggered a mental search for something disgusting.

What I was really doing, of course, was reprogramming – if you like, brainwashing – my subconscious. Within about three weeks, the process had worked. I stopped smoking and have never felt the urge again.

Thinking

Now consider your thoughts about yourself.

For many of us, they tend to be negative:
“I always mess up.”
“I’m hopeless at jokes.”
“I’m useless with computers.”
“I always burn the toast.”
“I’m too shy… unattractive… boring… clumsy…” and so on.

Part of this is evolutionary. Long ago, when danger lurked around every corner (or bush), it paid to think negatively – to anticipate threats and stay alert. In simple terms, we are hard-wired for negativity as a survival mechanism. The problem is, we no longer need it in the same way.

So, what does this constant stream of negative self-talk do to your confidence, your self-esteem, your sense of worth?

It does exactly what my deliberate “revolting thoughts” did to my desire to smoke. It conditions your mind. It trains you – systematically – to feel worse about yourself. You are, quite literally, poisoning your own thinking.

Turning it around

Now apply the same principle in reverse.

Every time you have a negative thought about your appearance, abilities, intelligence, or any part of yourself, you must immediately counter it with a positive, generous, even flattering thought.

Every single time.

At first, this will keep you very busy. You may be surprised, perhaps for the first time, by just how many negative thoughts you have in a day.

And just as I initially struggled to come up with unpleasant images when quitting smoking, you may find it difficult at first to generate positive ones. But if you persist, you will.

They don’t need to be grand or profound. Simple truths are enough:

“I am reliable.”
“I am honest.”
“I am good company.”
“I speak well of others.”
“I am a good listener.”
“I am kind.”
“I am interested in people.”
“I am a loyal friend.”
“I keep confidences.”
“I am easy to be with.”

Keep this up for about three weeks.

If you do, you will be surprised by the difference. You will feel more confident, more at ease, and generally happier.

And, perhaps most importantly, you will become your own best ally – your own best friend.