Low self-esteem is probably one of the stranger neuroses we inflict on ourselves. We all go through stages where we actively don’t like ourselves … often for some frivolous behaviour or some stupid remark we made, or something we forgot to do.

But in a well-balanced individual, it doesn’t last, and they carry on living with themselves happily, despite any irritation courtesy of their momentary lapses. It is completely normal behaviour.

Curiously, when we excel in something, we often don’t give the same amount of credit as the criticism we so prolifically lash ourselves with, when we fail. Which, when you think about it, is not normal.

We are always happy to congratulate others and enthuse over their achievements, but oddly feel if we are visibly pleased with our own achievements, it just isn’t right.

Too often, for no serious reason we experience feelings of “I’m no good at” or the classic “I always mess things up”, and “I’m sooo stupid”, and then berate ourselves in the confines of our heads where no-one can hear us.

Strangely if they could hear our little rants at ourselves, 99% of the time they would think, “What on earth are you on about? You just dropped a cup/plate/phone. It’s hardly the end of the world.”

But for some reason we are harder on ourselves than we would be on a loved one, a colleague or even a stranger.

Of course, we all have moments where we lack confidence or are unsure of ourselves. But when this becomes a way of everyday ‘normal’ thinking it can have a detrimental effect on our lives.

Low self-esteem often starts when we are young and a parent, teacher, friend, or sibling says something forcefully enough to make us feel it must be fact. “You are always late/untidy/stupid/cheeky/rude…” fill in any behaviours you particularly remember.

For whatever reason, from the early age of four I was continually told by my father I was lazy.

I’m not sure if it was intentional, but it got me to always over-compensate and always do more than everyone else. Just to prove I wasn’t lazy.

I suppose it became a valuable trait as I am generally considered a hard worker.

Although forever it has been driven, not by being an industrious fellow, but by me never wanting to appear lazy. And of course, the minute I start easing up I hear my father telling me I’m bone idle.

Strangely the message you are not acceptable/good enough/don’t fit in is the one that remains with you.

Why do we keep these, obviously arguable and possibly wrong perceptions, against all the “you are so kind/ lovely/thoughtful/punctual/etc” messages we all hear from time to time. 

Problem of low self-esteem

If you have low self-esteem or lack self-confidence – often the same thing – you tend to avoid social situations; never try something new, and not do things you find challenging. In the short term, this may make you feel secure. But long term all it is doing is reinforcing your doubts and fears and embedding them deeper in your psyche.

It also confirms – wrongly – the best way of dealing with life is to avoid anything that threatens your well-being. All of which inexorably leads to anxiety and depression. Which in turn leads to quickie ways of coping like drinking, drugs and (stupidly) smoking.